Panchali

And I thought I was born lucky.....but then who wouldnt....
Am a princess by birth, daughter of a great and powerful king, I have been told I am beautiful, charming and accomplished- I am not arrogant but do possess a self esteem and pride born out of my self worth. Many a times when I would sit at the lotus garden at the feet of my father-he would stroke my head and tell me" My krishnaa, you r my strength-I dream of a future as bright as the dazzle of your eyes for you"

On those occassions I have always managed to hide my tears- for I had always been told that the future of a princess is a palace far far away in some distant realm. And yet when I grew older those dreams began to have a attraction -along with the distant palace I began to dream of a handsome , charming, sensitive , brave prince......he would wed me, and take me away and we would weave a world of love.....

And today I thought my dreams were going to be true.....Although the prince had lost his kingdom, but he retained his strength, his charm and magnetism.....For a split second just before he proved his valour at the court hall-he had looked up at me- bedecked in bridal finery I was waiting in sweet anticipation with my maids- and our eyes met-it was a split second.....but it seemed like a million years to me....My life, my fate,destiny , desires, aspirations were to be decided in the next few minutes that followed- but I was almost mesmerised by his burning eyes and the hint of a smile on his face......the next few hours passed in a blur-I was in a euphoric state of mind.......My prince had won me...and the time had come to go away to the distant realm , to my land of dreams....

I heard whispers, excited murmurs all around me..."Kunti's son...Arjun...Pandava..she is lucky......" Yes i thought so too....The brave prince, the handsome warrior who had captured the imagination of every young girl in the country had won me..."Oh krishna u r so lucky" .....everyone said.....And I thought I was....I had already fallen in love....He too looked captivated....And then I saw them....The four brothers....They were there- standing showering flowers on us as we were getting married...I looked at them and a passing thought came..something ..some recognition of a emotion on their face...but it wentas soon as it had come-I couldnt be bothered to analyse their feelings...I was building my own world......And that was the beginning of the End....

They knocked....I was waiting ...my face covered with a veil as expected of a bride...My Arjun beside me...the old lady- my mother-in-law must be performing her evening prayers I was told..They knocked again-this time a reply came from inside-a sweet but tired voice- "oh u have returned my sons.....What have you brought today..." And someone spoke -I am not sure who-
" something special for you"....she replied...from within..."Whatever it is -share it amongst yourself equally-As Always"
Was it the sound of my heart that beat loudly protesting against the mistake or was it a gasp from my newly wedded husband.....??
Was it my strength or my weakness that I did not swoon, that I stood there like a rock-witnessing my humiliation-scene by scene.....Actually on hindsight-I think it was my optimism that refused to die out even in the last few minutes- till the die was finally cast......I still foolishly expected some laughter, some humour, some banter and then a clarification about the mistake made by mother...And I waited...still not daring to look at my husband...now I admit somewhere in my deepest of thoughts I always knew the truth - but was scared to admit it.......And I waited foolishly-And then came the verdict...." As you say mother-your wish is our command"......
Even as I listened stunned-I was hit by an instant sense of realisation and recognition -the look on their faces- during the wedding-when they were showering flowers-something that I had missed earlier- It wasnt happiness or joy, it wasnt pride, it was Lust- Pure naked undisguised Lust.......

For the second time in the evening I looked at my husband again- And I was not too surprised to see him looking-not angry, not humilated, not guilty....But there was a sense of Extreme Relief..............

And thus I became Panchali.......